The World’s Greatest Living Rock Star

Goatchin Trebleclef is probably the world’s most famous sill semi-coherent rock star. As lead singer/lead guitarist with 70s supergroup Turgid Braindribble Trebleclef was once regarded as the leading cultural figure of that decade. Mainly for his over-tight jeans and his powerful rock voice, which could – it was alleged – knock down an industrial chimney at 400 yards.

It was while working in the demolition industry, using his voice to knock down condemned industrial buildings that first bought Trebleclef fame. He was especially talented at demolishing the tall chimneys of the industrial north and midlands without all that tedious messing about listening to the meandering anecdotes of celebrity steeplejacks.

Not only that by assiduously studying  and applying the principles of Frank Piddle’s Play with Yourself Every Day guitar tutor manual, Trebleclef soon became a guitar virtuoso – at least by the standards of the time – by learning almost four chords.

With his Turgid Braindribble writing partner – keyboardist, Stan ‘Stan’ Stanley – the Braindribbles soon had several songs of their own. These they played in addition to the standards they were performing in any local pub desperate enough to want a live band in the hope of attracting a few more drinkers.

Soon, mainly down to the strength of the local ale and its infamous blurring of the critical facilities – which accounted for most of the marriages in the area – the ‘dribbles, soon had a following numbering in the almost 10s.

They were discovered one evening in a pub by the scout for a British music label, Polymorphous. The scout, Cecil ‘Doris’ Cummerbund saw them performing what was to become the ‘Dribbles first hit and signature song Whole Lot of Some Sticky Stuff, which even then featured Trebleclef’s famous 2-and-a-half second guitar solo. A riff that has since become a significant milestone of anyone subsequently learning to play the guitar, to the point where playing the riff is outlawed in nearly every guitar shop on the planet.

Soon after an  outstanding performance on Top of the Pops, there came a legendary appearance on The Old Bull’s Pizzle, rock show fronted by ‘Inaudible’ Hairy Bobness. Bobness – it is alleged by those who can lip-read – called them the greatest ever rock band in the history of all the known universes.

Soon Turgid Braindribble were touring America, hoping to make it big there. Which they eventually did after the release of their second album, the clever titled 2nd Album. This album had the infamous controversial and celebrated cover featuring several underdressed ladies all paying homage to Trebleclef’s jeans and the bulge that had already won first prize at his local vegetable show.

Alter that, the world was Turgid Braindribble’s for the taking. But after their drummer Phil ‘Totally Disgusting ‘ Trainwreck was killed in a strange occult ritual involving twelve groupies, a Ouija board and a bucket of smoked mackerel, the band fell apart.

Although, since then Goatchin Trebleclef had had some solo success with various other bands, nothing he has done subsequently has ever matched the world-beating Turgid Braindribble at their finest.

For those unfamiliar with the band, a viewing of the DVD Turgid Braindeath Live at the Hollywood Bucket shows the band in what has been called their best ever performance, at least until a heavily stoned Stan ‘Stan’ Stanley falls into the orchestra pit trying to escape Trainwreck’s two-and-a-half hour drum solo causing the show to be abandoned.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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