The Away Strip

On the whole, it is probably not advisable.

After all, she does tend towards having a bit of a temper, especially when the football overruns and she is denied her weekly dosage of televisual hirsute scything.

So, any attempt to discuss the disallowed goal in the dying seconds of the second half of extra time will meet with something akin to frostiness, if not outright scorn.

As for you voicing your suspicion about the dubious marital state of the referee’s parents at the time of his birth, it is probably best to leave that for another day, and – quite possibly – for another interlocutor altogether.

After all, despite the now widely-derided notion of the blank slate, there are still some that say there are no great differences between the sexes.

But all of us know that not to be true, despite the great strides taken in various fields of human endeavour. This is particularly so in the sporting field where great efforts are made to make sure that what divisions do remain are those of nature and not societally imposed.

However, she – being of a more  traditionalist bent – except for that thing she does on the third Thursday evening of each month with the courgette and you in the away strip – does not feel that she should show any interest in the offside rule. Equally, you should keep your opinions to yourself about the advisability of the male lead stripping down to the waist to engage in sweaty scything activities. Especially that time when the lady of the manor happened to be riding by in an urgent attempt to purge her mind of certain longings involving the aforesaid… scyther… (scythist?) and what he would look like in the local village football away strip while she proffered a courgette in his general direction.

As she explained after that episode, the fact that the away strip was unknown before the formation of the FA a hundred or so years after the events of her drama were alleged to have taken place is neither here nor there. At least not as long as the donning of the strip involves some tastefully lit disrobing by the male protagonist as the lady of the manor selects the most erotic courgette from her bedroom vegetable escritoire.

As for your insistence the even if such historical liberties should be overlooked, his attempt to join her in an intimate embrace before putting on his shin pads shows a lack of understating of certain fundamentals. You subsequent criticisms of the scriptwriting team is best left for a lull in the action or at least an advert break, should you not wish to be subjected to one of those looks and a disdainful glare next time you suggest putting on the away strip for an early night.

All in all then it is best to console yourself in the traditional manner now that you have been denied the sweet agony of watching your team fail in the final. Even though they are wearing, what has been described by many fans in the forums you frequent as, their lucky away strip.

Nevertheless, you can hope that, for you, the next time you do put on your replica away strip and she takes a fresh courgette from the vegetable rack, that this indeed could be a lucky away strip for you.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

3 thoughts on “The Away Strip

    1. I’m not sure if it is about anything. Just one of those things where I string together words to see where they go.

      There was a British politician a decade or so back who had an extra marital affair where he would wear his favourite team’s football shirt in bed with his mistress, which became a tabloid thing for a while – I think that may have been going through my mind at the time.


      1. Free speech.

        I odn’t have to like what you write, but I will defend your right to write it.

        Doesn’t mean I have to read it – but we’re friends, so I do.

        But I’m glad to know I haven’t lost it yet; it was a tricky read without the cultural references.

        Don’t worry. Your brain will probably tell you later what it meant.


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