Medieval Woodland Perversions

Of course, many of you may be keen to learn more about the use of woodland perversions in a historical context. Rather than disabuse you of this notion, I thought it would be far easier for all concerned if I shed a little light upon a specific period of historical interest for your edification.

Therefore, today we are going to take a look at medieval woodland perversions and the role played by that infamous group of woodland perversion practitioners from the Middle-Ages, Robin Hood and his ‘Merry’ men.

Of course, ‘Robin Hood’ was not his real name, it was one taken from a very particular medieval perversion, which – according to the rather sketchy historical records  – seemed to feature wild birds in bondage. Such practices as The Shackled Song Thrush, The Blackbird in Handcuffs, The Robin In A Hood and, especially, The Hog-Tied Pheasant were commonplace, especially on the common lands set aside for such practices.

However, the medieval deviant had to be very careful when engaging in woodland perversions. There was a constant danger of the Wild Boar Surprise taking them in the rear and the ever-present danger of Will Scarlet if they indulged in too much ‘Friar Tuck’ especially if their habits were on the unsanitary side.

Of course, in those days before central heating hot-buttered strumpets were vital for keeping the men of the forest fully stimulated with their ardour in the arbour.

Furthermore, in the dense medieval forest there was no room for the more fulsome medieval perversions, especially siege perversions, without the room to swing a trebuchet.

With the ever-present danger of getting his halberd stuck in a thicket, or even his clothyard shaft entangled in the undergrowth when whipping out his longbow, there was always the danger that the medieval suitor would put a severe dent in his lady’s wimple. Therefore, medieval woodland perversions were a short-lived phenomenon, dying out as the woodlands themselves were cut back in order to accommodate both increased agricultural production and some of the more expansive field perversion that were just then coming into fashion amongst the landed gentry.

 

Yours perversely:

Norbert Trouser-Quandary

 

A tale from the From the LFITW archive

More from Little Frigging in the Wold here

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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