Allotment Perversions – A Primer

For those of you who like to make use of your dibber and hoe, there is chance aplenty to get much more out of it by getting involved in allotment perversions. For those that enjoy a courgette, or – in more advanced situations – a marrow, apparently there is nothing quite like taking yourself in hand to grow your own. Our own postmistress, Labia Entanglements, recommends growing-your-own most heartily, saying how much satisfaction she has received from her own homegrown cucumbers.

For fruit and vegetable related perversions there is – apparently – nothing quite like using your own hand-reared produce for The Lincolnshire Melon Co-respondent, The Radish Repetition, A Cauliflower Deflowering, or even A Lettuce Have-A-Go. All in the manner our forebears must have enjoyed when home-grown produce was really the only option for such rural perversions, except those involving sheep and near-relatives, of course.

Of course, most – if not all – allotment-based perversions do mean that you will have to make full use of your wellies and watering can too. So, please, before beginning make sure they can all stand up to the inevitable deprecation they will encounter, especially during such allotment-based perversions as The Smallholding And Cabbage patch Full Beetroot Reverse, which can take a lot out of your dibber, especially after introducing the hoe. Please also ensure that all participants have enjoyed a full mulching beforehand, to ease the entry of the carrots into the proceedings, especially if the vicar has brought along any campanologists who may be a little too timid – at first – to get their bells out in mixed company.


Yours perversely:

Norbert Trouser-Quandary


A tale from the From the LFITW archive

More from Little Frigging in the Wold here


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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