Well… there you have it.
At least providing you managed to get your application form entered in time.
And if you were one of the lucky ones, selected at random to go through to the second stage.
And if you completed the assault course in under 15 minutes while carrying the elderly relative in a sedan chair, and then hopping backwards blindfolded through the minefield.
There was some worry that the use of the minefield could be seen as somewhat over the top for a simple competition like this. But once the judges saw the number of applicants who had managed to get through the first round, they felt they had little choice but to add another level of winnowing to the competition.
However, several lucky survivors made it through to the third round with most of their limbs intact. This enabled them to go on to take part in what had been described as the sternest test ever undertaken in peacetime by non-elite military personnel.
Not many people have the guts, fortitude, bravery and inner strength to make it through this kind of test.
In the following round, contestants, still suffering flashbacks to the minefield round, managed to endure an entire week of daytime TV. Although, some psychologists did write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the organisers of the competition. The psychologists argued that making the remaining contestants suffer through a whole week of daytime TV was needlessly cruel. They suggested that the next time the organisers should stick to their originally mooted notion of having the contestants swim a two hundred metre shark-infested tank while dressed only in a swimsuit made out of fresh beefsteak.
The psychologists claimed that this would be nowhere near as traumatic for the contestants as watching daytime TV, but the organisers insisted that they needed on the finest and most capable contestants to make it through to the final rounds. However, they did promise to meet the medical bills of those who failed to survive the week of daytime TV, a sum rumoured now to be approaching several millions. Consequently, there are rumours that the production company will introduce the shark tank for next year’s competition, after all.
The last few finalists not in intensive care made it through to the final rounds.
Twelve of them dropped out when the programme’s producers revealed that the finalists would have to endure more mental torture by having to sit in the live audience for that year’s Eurovision song contest.
The six contestants who survived that, including Norman Pinback the contestant who gnawed his own arm off during the Estonian entry, made it to the Grand Final.
For the final, the remaining contestants had to be part of the studio audience for a live interview with a political party leader.
Two of the finalist threw themselves off a lighting gantry as the interview entered its tenth minute. Another finalist drowned herself in the interviewer’s water jug, and one of the remaining contestants stuck his whole fist into a live power socket when the interviewee started to outline her party’s manifesto for the next election.
So this year’s winner Delores Embonpoint is now the proud owner of an all-expenses paid week in Bridlington as the 1st prize, with a cheque for £3.57 spending money for the entire week. A prize well worth all she had to endure to win it, I’m sure we’ll all agree.