Blowin’ Free

Well now, as it happens today sees the first day of Little Frigging’s Annual Village Free Fondle Week. All the denizens of Little Frigging have decked themselves out in their traditional free-fondling outfits and fondling mittens, and we have all been furiously polishing our sex spatulas in readiness.

Of course, these days these traditional rural events are often staged for the tourists, in order to remove as much money as possible from the tourists whilst they are here. Hence, the costumes have become more colourful and ornate while the traditional Free Fondling rituals and events themselves have grown elaborate and more camera-friendly.

In the past, Free Fondling Week always began with a parade of virgins down the village High street. But latterly the Little Frigging vicar, Rev. Counter, has felt a bit foolish walking down the street in a parade all on his own. Especially after the parish meeting a few years ago when his eligibility for entry was called into question after the campanology incident in the bell tower when he and his own churchwarden were found pulling on each other’s bell ends.

Therefore, nowadays the opening Free Fondle week parade is open to more or less anyone who fancies a fondle or two, to kick the week off with a bang (when the fondle gets past the initial stages that is). On Free fondle Day itself; there is a parade of many decorated floats down the High Street, each featuring a scene based around the theme for that particular year’s ceremony.

For example, last year the theme was Animal ‘Husbandry’, so a good many of the floats saw variations on the idea, with the ladies dressed up as sheep whilst the men mainly wore only their best Formal Dress Wellies.

This year the theme will be Scenes From The History Of Little Frigging, so many of the floats will be almost afloat themselves with the copious amounts of alcohol that the more significant scenes from Little Frigging’ historical past seem to have involved, as well as scenes of the utmost debauchery and explicit cream cake consumption.

For example, Grand Uncle Stagnant and I will recreate the scene from the 1960s of the village’s first Immolation of The Hippy, where Uncle Stagnant will play the hippy, I will hold aloft a box of matches and some tinder and Labia Entanglements from the Post Office will keep a firm grasp of the mallard duck.

All-in-all then, should the fine weather hold, it should be a spectacular day out for one and all and a chance for many tourists to partake of the experience and come away fully-satiated after spending far more than they had originally intended.


Yours perversely:

Norbert Trouser-Quandary


A tale from the From the LFITW archive

More from Little Frigging in the Wold here


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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