Plebiscite Backhander was the most notoriously corrupt MP in the history of the British Houses of Parliament, which – considering the opposition – was a magnificent achievement.
These days we, of course, realise that corruption for personal financial gain is a far more moral stance in a politician than to believe in any political ideology.
After all, monetary gain has led to far less death, destruction and disaster than almost all political ideologies of the left, right or even the centre.
We now know that politics is a disease, not only deadly to those infected by it. Sometimes it is a fatal danger to those exposed to any virulent strain of politics, as the history of the 20th century so bloodily shows.
These days, though, doctors and clinicians are getting much better at detecting the symptoms and early signs of infection by political ideology. Consequently, there is some hope that soon there will be some kind of vaccination to prevent politics taking hold in the young, especially at their most vulnerable time during their student years.
However, Plebiscite Backhander was of another age and generation. He became a Labour MP in the early 1960s, changing to Liberal in the 1970s, and to Conservative in the 1980s. He always chose a safe seat for whichever party he was representing at the time. This enabled him to continue to serve in every government from that of Harold Wilson, right through the the dying days of the Major government.
All through his political career Plebiscite Backhander made it clear to anyone from crooked trade unions to the most greedy and corrupt multinational corporations that he was theirs for a suitable price.
If there were any plain brown envelopes exchanged between a vested interest and a politician in one of the capital’s more out of the way multi-storey carparks, there was a fair chance that the politician’s hand belonged to Plebiscite Backhander.
Plebiscite Backhander was more than willing to vote for, or against, or abstain from any vote in the House as long as he was paid for it. He saw absolutely no reason to be bound by party ideology, moral probity, political vision, or even the law. As long as he was paid, Plebiscite Backhander would vote the way you asked.
Of course, this meant that during some of the more contentious legislation Plebiscite Backhander was approached by those on both sides of the argument. Backhander therefore made it clear he would be available to the highest bidder, using a method latter utilised in the online world by such websites as EBay. Plebiscite Backhander did try to sue several online auction sites, claiming copyright over the bidding algorithms that he said were based on his original idea.
He was successful in many cases, although he strenuously denied that his win had anything to do with the judges in those cases all taking rather expensive holidays as soon as their judgement found in Plebiscite Backhander’s favour.
Consequently, Plebiscite Backhander was by then a billionaire and his price rose accordingly, until no-one could afford his services. So, surprisingly then, when no-one could afford to bribe him, Plebiscite Backhander became the most honest MP in the Houses of Parliament, and was therefore immediately put under investigation by the parliamentary authorities.
It was then Tony Blair made Plebiscite Backhander a peer, only days before a dawn raid on Backhander’s London Penthouse found him and all his belongings gone.
Despite a worldwide investigation, no trace of Plebiscite Backhander was ever found again.