Let me take you by the throat and lead you through the streets of Little Frigging, where later this evening we will see Grand Uncle Stagnant taking the scenic route home from The Pervert’s Appendage. His route usually takes him via some of the more verdant of the hedges in the vicinity as well as several of the muddier ditches he swears leap out from hiding at the side of the road deliberately to ensnare him whilst he is busy pondering various philosophical verities during his perambulations.
Not only does his mind have a philosophical bent, Grand Uncle Stagnant is also very much interested in the practicalities of living in this modern world. For example, his philosophical speculations on the nature of mind, and body, and how an interesting amount of beer can so often seem to dislocate one from the other are very much admired by those who gather in the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage to engage in discussion with him.
In addition, on his meanderings home he also likes to muse upon the vexed philosophical problem of what the best way to persuade a brace of dairy maids of the unnecessary nature of underwear. Then how to make them aware of how the experience and wisdom of the older man can bring them both enlightenment and satiation so oft beyond the callow gropings of those who have only youth to recommend them.
Then it is a matter of negotiating the tricky metaphysics of the takeaway, and coming to a deep philosophical understanding of the ontological necessity of the kebab before he finally arrives home – sometimes, if he is very lucky, his own home – to sleep the sleep of the philosophically refreshed.
A tale from the From the LFITW archive
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