Premium Membership

It goes without saying that a public forum such as this is no place to discuss such intimate matters. Since it does go without saying, we won’t bother saying it and get straight down to the filth… er… the matter in question.

There is no need for embarrassment, after all, no-one here knows your real name, your address, your marital status, or how much is in your bank account… yet.

Apart from those on the Premium, Membership deal that is. As one of the benefits of premium membership [sign up now on the form below] is full access to the details of everyone who interacts with the site, purely for blackmail purposes.

After all, these sites must be paid for somehow. The server costs alone are rather exorbitant, and as for the essential bevy of nubile research assistants, all of them need at least a luxury penthouse if their researches are to be of the highest standard.

Then there is the time spent after they’ve detailed their research finding to me. These days I’m not as young as I was, and that sort of hands on experience takes a long time to recover from.

Anyway, you can now see why quite so much personal information is required from you in order to access this site. It all has to be paid for and though those third-world web designers are cheap, a top of the range site like this does mean they are working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As for the East European hackers who use that personal data to build up a complete profile of each user and their bank account details and full blackmail history, they are quite expensive. Even though their governments do subsidise some of the costs in return for access to the data they uncover.

So you can see why he adverts that cover most of the site are essential, unless you buy the premium ad-free version of the membership. Advertising alone cannot recoup the cost of even one of my essential luxury holidays per month. My Caribbean island has a rather expensive upkeep budget, especially the armed guards that keep tourists, over inquisitive investigative reporters, and disgruntled locals outside the electrified compound fence.

Anyway, as I said earlier the premium membership does offer unrivalled blackmail opportunities against other ordinary members, as well as providing access to some of the top of the range innovative tools and apps to make the most of your burgeoning cybercriminal career.

For a small additional fee, Premium-Plus Membership also includes access to some of the world’s top lawyers specialising in defending against digital crime accusations, and the contact details of the world’s greatest hired assassins for when the threat of legal action against whistle-blowers and other informants is not quite enough.

Some of our top hackers too can be employed if it is felt necessary in return for for a simple one-off payment and the sale of one or more of your children to an international people smuggling ring. We feel it is a price well worth paying for that essential peace of mind necessary for enjoying your own Caribbean island in safety and security.

So sign up now to enjoy these benefits from as soon as your Swiss bank account details are made available to us.



Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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