Now, as the cold winter weather of our global warming continues I am sure that you must all have already made full use of your thermal fetish gear, fur-lined penile restraints, cold weather nipple clamps and woollen wallaby grouting aprons. Also, you should also make sure your sex spatulas are kept warm and at optimum wielding temperature under a hot cake shop manageress, especially when she needs help extracting her hot baps in readiness for your delectation.
It is advisable too, always to make sure you have at least one spade at the ready in case you have to dig your all-village orgy out of a snowdrift, or need to dig a trench around the outside of your dairymaids in case of sudden flooding. You should also make preparations against the danger of errant reindeers poking their bright red protuberances into your doings.
Naturally, until the weather changes as we move from winter into spring (eventually) it is still wise to think about putting on one’s thermal fetish gear and make full use of the erotic possibilities of the mitten, the bobble hat and the hot water bottle while it remains a bit nippy. Notwithstanding, of course, to dismiss the invigorating feeling it is possible to get in the inclement weather by sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend.
While on the subject of notwithstanding, any gentleman who finds himself (providing that he can of course find himself in cold weather through several layers of clothing and undergatherings) afflicted with a case of being notwithstanding, is heartily recommended to request a fully invigorating rub from any nearby village lady. Such is the experience of our local ladies they will soon have any such afflicted gentleman standing proud once again and quite capable of fully feeling himself, that is if the ladies want to let him have a go, or if they – instead – wish for some reciprocation now that the gentleman is upstanding again.
Of course, one should also make sure that one’s unguents, lubricants and other such fluids are usable at low temperature. Badger spleen oil, of course, is notable for its tendency to freeze solid at low temperatures, thus making it most unsuitable for any outdoor low temperature perversions.
However, this should not restrict its use in any igloo, ski chalet or on a hot buttered strumpet. Extreme low temperature trollops however, should best be avoided, as an icicle on your accoutrements cannot be easily laughed off.
A tale from the From the LFITW archive
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