There was a time…
No, hang on… there were a couple of times.
Obviously, I am not including those other times, because there would be far too many of those to recall.
Hundreds… maybe thousands of times.
After all, it has been a fair few years now, and you do get the hang of it eventually.
If you apply yourself, you do get quite good at it too.
So you are told.
Not that you’d want to brag, or anything, but when you do that thing with your tongue and she starts… well, anyway, you probably know all about that… hopefully.
Although, it may explain why your current… friend has that look in her eye, as though she is missing out on something, as though there is a lack at the heart of her being that throbs with a need beyond having the offside rule explained to her yet again.
But women can be funny like that.
We always let them down in some way or another.
But being able to do that thing with the tongue has got me out of a fair few… er… shall we say uncomfortable situations, and leave it at that?
I mean, having a certain dexterity in that area is one thing that women do say they find attractive in a man.
And let’s face it chaps, we all need something like that… unless of course we have those other things that the ladies claim to find attractive… or even the things they actually do find attractive.
I mean, you have read evolutionary psychology haven’t you?
Those things we claim to like, love fear, despise or get offended by, they are not always the truth. After all, you don’t have to be able to do that thing with the tongue to be able to lie to yourself, do you?
Deep down we all know what is really true, even if we’d rather not face it. Even if we’d rather use some ideology to keep a distance between us and the world as it actually is. Or, if we’d rather believe in the pretend world of some ideology rather than face the imperfections in this one, and most of all the manyfold imperfections within ourselves.
After all, that thing with the tongue is about facing those imperfections, pointing them out and then making them all laugh at the absurdity of it all.
And women, well, they do say they like a man who can make them laugh. And that’s what I trained this tongue to do over the years.
It is a defence mechanism, sure. It is better to get in these first and make them laugh with you, than at you. But in a push, either will do, as long as your quick tongue gets that laugh.
Unless, of course, she has already decided she wants to be offended, then nothing you will say or do will divert her from that… unless it is a very, very good knob joke, like the one about the lady of transactional affection, the politician with the melon and the somewhat bewildered llama who…
But we don’t have time for that, sorry.