Way back in the late 1960s Grand Uncle Stagnant was at the forefront (even when he was standing at the back of the crowd, due to him being such a proudly upstanding gentleman) of the Free Love movement. So keen was Grand Uncle Stagnant on Free Love, that he immediately stopped issuing invoices as soon as he understood the concept.
To his initial surprise, Grand Uncle Stagnant also found that he was an immediate hit with the hippy chicks he met. This was due to his casual attitude to nudity and personal hygiene, which indicated that he was more in tune with nature to those naïve young girls than the square middle-class boys they found so dull.
In addition, Grand Uncle Stagnant’s absent airs gave them the impression that his thoughts were on a grand cosmic level that made communication with mere earth-bound humans so problematical to him. Not only that, Grand Uncle Stagnant had – since early boyhood – been smoking and otherwise ingesting all manner of natural – and some exceedingly unnatural – substances, mainly because he was too tight-fisted to buy ordinary cigarettes from the tobacconist and preferred ‘rolling his own’.
In fact many times he had been caught rolling his own in public by the forces of law and order, which again made him seem a hero to the hippy chicks who found such a casual attitude to the laws of square society, and to the man so knicker-liberating.
Grand Uncle Stagnant also turned up at many of the free festivals that were all the rage in the hippy period. Often, this was because he happened to be sleeping in a nearby field when the revellers turned up, and he had wandered over to see what was going on, and if he could find anything worth nicking.
Such was the seeming profundity of his inconsequential wibbling that many of the hippies felt he must be some kind of guru. Therefore, it was essential for the hippy girls to spend as much time with him, so he could impart his wisdom to them through direct intimate physical contact.
Eventually, though, the hippy movement – like all youth movements – faded away, as something new, bright and shiny replaced it, and Grand Uncle Stagnant wandered back into Little Frigging, back into the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage, and back into ‘his’ chair by the fire as though the intervening years had never happened.
Although, when the Grateful Dead come on the radio he does tend to get a far away look in his eyes and wanders off to see if he can find a brace – or two – of dairymaids.
A tale from the From the LFITW archive
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