The Special Theory of Cheese

These days Spangle Teatray is probably the world’s most famous TV scientist. Both TV critics and viewers regard her hit BBC TV series on Norman Ninestein’s Special Theory of Cheese as the best science programme ever on TV. As one critic said, ‘it is the most comprehensive scientific description of the fundamental role cheese playsContinue reading “The Special Theory of Cheese”

Use Of the Barn

During the traditional British summer, it is often the case that the frequent drizzle gives way to actual rain. For those who do not wish to partake of fully-moistened perversions then it is advisable to gather all ones accoutrements together and repair to some place more suitable, and – hopefully – drier. Traditionally, in theContinue reading “Use Of the Barn”

Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1

Now, if you first tether the donkey 73.25 degrees widdershins of the last tupping shed to the left (facing North), then you can apply the parsnip, gently in a clockwise motion until it is fully seated. Then – and only then – you can take a firm grasp on your rod and manipulate it untilContinue reading “Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1”

The Elephant in the Room

Shellac Rentedrooms is probably the world’s most famous consulting detective. His faithful companion Doc Whatsup has recounted his numerous cases in publications all around the world. So, obviously when another great befuddling series of mysteries struck the British Isles, it was Rentedrooms that the British establishment  called upon when all else failed, and there wasContinue reading “The Elephant in the Room”

When the Crows Laugh

We knew the story long before we young ones realised the place existed. A tale told by the old ones around the fires at night. They talked of the Old Times, and we thought they were just stories. Stories like the tales of the various long-ago gods fighting each other until they killed this world.Continue reading “When the Crows Laugh”

The Washed-Out World

Ella remembered too many of those pale dreams that floated through her nights. All those washed out landscapes like some pale watercolour world. The low mists that hugged the pale green valleys and the riders on grey horses that galloped with mist-muted hoofs through all her dreams. She wondered why she only dreamed of theContinue reading “The Washed-Out World”

Trilobites under My Auntie’s Deckchair

Fallopian Designateddriver was yesterday announced as this year’s Beige Award for Fiction Prize winner for her novel Trilobites under My Auntie’s Deckchair. The book concerns the coming of age of a young girl during the Great Postage Stamp Crisis of 1952. It was a time when Great Britain was still emerging from the rationing ofContinue reading “Trilobites under My Auntie’s Deckchair”

The Beast of the Fog

Something crawls out from the realm of possibility. The fog lies deep, solid over the sea. There is nothing to see except the still water with muted waves lying below the greyness of the heavy cloud. It is as though the clouds have real weight, pressing down on the sea, ironing out the waves toContinue reading “The Beast of the Fog”

Her Map and Her Destination

Another day, another time, movement towards something that lies beyond the horizon of knowing. Dawn had a map of the route she could take across the lands and the seas. A route sketched across lands that were mainly guesswork and supposition and seas that were just blank expanses, apart from the imaginary monsters. She didContinue reading “Her Map and Her Destination”

The Travellers’ Tales

It was not easy. Jana turned and looked back at the muddy road she’d walked along. This time, when she looked back, the village was out of sight. It was still early morning, but already she could see the smoke from the various fires in the village rising above the treetops into the clear morningContinue reading “The Travellers’ Tales”

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