The Book of Cheese

‘And so it came to pass on the second Tuesday after Donkeymass Eve, that Stan the Bloke left his cheese crackers on the shelf in his pantry.’ As religious texts go, this was not the most inspiring, transcendental or luminous opening. But since its rediscovery in the latter half of the eighteenth century by JosiahContinue reading “The Book of Cheese”

How Cheese Made Civilisation Possible

Many people these days are familiar with how evolutionary psychology has shaped the human mind. For back in the early years, when humans were small groups of hunter gatherers, there was little or no naturally occurring cheese to be found. Those who did discover the natural cheese deposits began to mine it and develop theContinue reading “How Cheese Made Civilisation Possible”

The Victorian Cheese Mines and Poverty

Pencilcase Shoveha’penny was one of the Victorian era’s most famous social reformers. She was a daughter of the UK’s richest Cheese mine owning families in the Wensleydale area. This was a region known for its extraordinary number of cheese mines. Consequently, the poor from the surrounding rural areas were drawn to the cheese mining villages,Continue reading “The Victorian Cheese Mines and Poverty”

The Special Theory of Cheese

These days Spangle Teatray is probably the world’s most famous TV scientist. Both TV critics and viewers regard her hit BBC TV series on Norman Ninestein’s Special Theory of Cheese as the best science programme ever on TV. As one critic said, ‘it is the most comprehensive scientific description of the fundamental role cheese playsContinue reading “The Special Theory of Cheese”

Olympic Level Cheese Ignoring

Spigot Tremblehammer is probably the world’s leading exponent of the ancient art of cheese ignoring. Although there are still several professional and semi-professional cheese ignoring leagues throughout the world (and Canada), many sports fans often overlook it. However, all that is set to change now that the Olympic committee has confirmed that cheese ignoring willContinue reading “Olympic Level Cheese Ignoring”

Cheese and a National Disgrace

Helicobacter Mongooseincline first came to prominence as the world’s leading authority on the history of the cheeseboard, often mesmerising TV audiences during the 37 years his History of Cheese appeared on the BBC. His even longer 42-year stint as the host on the nightly The Cheeseboard at Night made him one of the most recognisedContinue reading “Cheese and a National Disgrace”

The Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox

Dirigible Spankmybotty first came to the notice of the world with his General Theory of Sandwiches. Up until then physicists, mathematicians and anyone in need of a sandwich was confronted with the Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox first defined by Cantor. This paradox sets out the mathematical relationships between the various substances used as sandwich fillings. InContinue reading “The Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox”

We are All Cheese Dust

These days Paradigm Tachyonbadger is widely credited with the theoretical discovery of the quantum nature of cheese. For a long time, physicists at the Large Cheddar Collider on the Somerset/ Devon border have been conducting experiments to discover whether the so-called Tachyonbadger particle exists as this generally accepted theory postulates. The Tachyonbadger, or tasty, particle,Continue reading “We are All Cheese Dust”

Totaltool’s Sensual Eating

Humperdink Totaltool first became interested in the art of erotic foodstuffs – as many of us do – in the later teenage years. Of course, many of us almost instinctively understand the sensual delights of the lemon meringue or sherry trifle in those first few post-pubescent years. But for Totaltool it was very different. UpContinue reading “Totaltool’s Sensual Eating”

Cheese Tickling as a Professional Sport

There are – these days – not that many players of the traditional English sport of cheese tickling still around. This is not surprising even though scientists have confirmed in recent experiments at the European Large Cheese Collider, for example, that a well-tickled Edam is a much happier cheese than an un-tickled one. However, HettieContinue reading “Cheese Tickling as a Professional Sport”

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