Good News In Rural Affairs

Some good news in rural affairs, for once. At long last it seems that the Forestry Commission of Great Britain has decided that it is going to reintroduce breeding pairs of banjos back into the wild in some specially selected forests and woodland areas. It has been many years, maybe a century or more, sinceContinue reading “Good News In Rural Affairs”

Cold Winter Thermal Fetish Gear

Now, as the cold winter weather of our global warming continues I am sure that you must all have already made full use of your thermal fetish gear, fur-lined penile restraints, cold weather nipple clamps and woollen wallaby grouting aprons. Also, you should also make sure your sex spatulas are kept warm and at optimumContinue reading “Cold Winter Thermal Fetish Gear”

Grand Uncle Stagnant and Philosophy

Let me take you by the throat and lead you through the streets of Little Frigging, where later this evening we will see Grand Uncle Stagnant taking the scenic route home from The Pervert’s Appendage. His route usually takes him via some of the more verdant of the hedges in the vicinity as well asContinue reading “Grand Uncle Stagnant and Philosophy”

At the World’s End

I stood on the edge of the world, looking down. There had been stories, of course, myths and legends over the centuries about what lay at the edge of the world. Now I knew none of them were true. Nothing is not much of an answer to all those thousands of years of speculation. TheContinue reading “At the World’s End”

(Not) The Beast From The Swamp

It begins, slowly rising out of the swamp like a lawyer at dawn. We clutch our poking sticks to our chests in trepidation as the vague shape stumbles out of the mists towards us. Then, as the features of this unknown beast resolve themselves out of the heavy mists hanging over the swamp, we realiseContinue reading “(Not) The Beast From The Swamp”

I Can’t Remember Her Name

I thought I’d forgotten her. I didn’t think about her for days, not about the way she stretched first thing in the morning as though the day couldn’t start without her. I didn’t think of the way she’d laugh at herself when she did something wrong, or forgot why she’d come into the room. IContinue reading “I Can’t Remember Her Name”

The Long Times

We will never forget these times. In the years long after we have gone to the far lands those that come after us, our children’s children and their children, will remember the long times. Already we are making the dances that will show these times, and the words for the songs of this time areContinue reading “The Long Times”

The Victorians and Black Pudding

Of course, back then everyone knew the name of Stirruppump ‘Nickname’ Paradiddle. Nickname, as he was always known in the media of the day was one of the Victorian era’s greatest adventurers and explorers. In an era known for its men – and scandalously, on occasions, women – willing to give it all up andContinue reading “The Victorians and Black Pudding”

Common or Garden Perversions

Of course, the most obvious difficulty with common or garden perversions is often that what is suitable for a common, or other area of open ground such as a park, wasteland, supermarket car park or sports pitch, is not suitable for a garden, or vice-versa. To take an example at random, the frequent use ofContinue reading “Common or Garden Perversions”

Bicycle Clips

Today we will discuss the significance of our bespoke bicycle clips as they glitter and glister in the morning sunlight, as Maureen and I – once more – mount our tandem in our seemingly never-ending quest to bring you tales of instruction and stories of edification. You may ask – and I’ll admit it isContinue reading “Bicycle Clips”

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