Times Online Announce Paywall Exclusives

In an attempt to make its new paywall system work, Times Online has announced that, in future, the site will feature exclusive content available nowhere else on the web.A spokeswoman said: As News International has successfully proved with its Sky pay-per-view channels, particularly for sports and films, it seems that mugs… punters… our customers areContinue reading “Times Online Announce Paywall Exclusives”

Government Warning Scheme Extended

Following on from the massive success of their terrorism alert warning system, where the people of this great… mediocre… ok-ish… totally-fucked… er… nation are warned to be more on their guard against suspicious foreign-looking gentleman in public places with smouldering underpants, or smoke billowing from their footwear, the UK government has today announced a similarContinue reading “Government Warning Scheme Extended”

Anti-Terrorist Police Action

Following revelations that anti-terrorist police are urging internet café owners to spy on their own customers, in order to report any of those customers that may be visiting ‘inappropriate’ websites to the authorities, today the police announced they would be extending the scheme. The original idea, that internet café owners would monitor all sites visitedContinue reading “Anti-Terrorist Police Action”

Dangerous Pets Need To Be Controlled

The people of the UK have decided that, as the country seems to be going to the dogs, then – in future – all political parties in Great Britain will have to take out third-party insurance on all the politicians they keep as pets because of the severe damage caused by certain out of controlContinue reading “Dangerous Pets Need To Be Controlled”

All Now More Equal Than All The Others

Over the weekend the implications of Mad Hatters Harman’s ‘Equality’ legislation, the policy aimed at making the British people too stupid to even wipe up their own drool as they sit gawping at the latest Celebrity Reality Overly-Besequined Extravaganza On Ice, were set out in a code of practice, drawn up by the Equality andContinue reading “All Now More Equal Than All The Others”

CPS Criticises Jury’s ‘Wrong Verdict’

Yesterday a jury cleared a man who killed one armed burglar, left another grievously wounded and slashed another with kitchen knives as he defended himself and his property. However, a spokesman for the CPS said: Obviously in this case the jury got it very wrong indeed. They should realise that when we bring a caseContinue reading “CPS Criticises Jury’s ‘Wrong Verdict’”

PM Promises New Public Service Targets

After criticism, by a chief constable, of his attempt to set out targets for the amount of time police spend on the beat, Gordon Brown yesterday pledged that -once the inconvenience of the general election is out of the way – his freshly-mandated Labour Government will introduce a new set of targets for all publicContinue reading “PM Promises New Public Service Targets”

Somewhat Over-Zealous Law-Making

Samosa Template was the first person in the United Kingdom convicted of the crime of attempting to use a spanner in a manner likely to cause a breach of the peace whilst endangering the life of a parakeet with undue use of a roll of sellotape. Now there are some that say that the post-1997Continue reading “Somewhat Over-Zealous Law-Making”

Metropolitan Police ‘Still Institutionally Policeist’

The Metropolitan police were today branded as ‘without a doubt still institutionally policeist’ by the head of the Metropolitan Police’s Special Pleading Association. The head of the Met’s Special Pleading Association said: For some reason it seems there are still – albeit only a minority – some police officers who think it is the jobContinue reading “Metropolitan Police ‘Still Institutionally Policeist’”

The Heyday Of The Victorian Music Halls

Faucet Firesprinkler was probably the most famous musical cheese-grater (a song, a dance, a small pile of grated cheddar) during the late Victorian heyday of the music halls, and probably one of the most famous celebrities of that time. Everywhere Firesprinkler went he was followed by mobs urging him to do his – by thenContinue reading “The Heyday Of The Victorian Music Halls”

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