Non-Consensual Intimate Contact With A Small Hovercraft

Look out! There is a serious danger of individual hovercraft infesting your vestibule sometime over the next few days. It is – as we know- unusual for such an occurrence this early in the New Year. Some have blamed the world economic downturn and others have blamed climate change, whilst the more perspicacious amongst usContinue reading “Non-Consensual Intimate Contact With A Small Hovercraft”

Vegetable-Related Mayhem

Put this pre-owned pancake next to the Chicken-Intriguing DVDs, my little darling, then we can go out to watch the orange glowing sky where the sun is setting over the burning cars while the sirens howl in the twilight as our own local Artichoke-Arrangers riot once more. We could watch, dear heart, from a highContinue reading “Vegetable-Related Mayhem”

The Current Climate of Fear ©

Once again, there are reports in the media of goats from foreign parts finding their way into our traditional British Transport Cafes. Normally, of course, this would not matter too much, but these – as you know – are not normal times. The government, the security services and the media have spent a great dealContinue reading “The Current Climate of Fear ©”

Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection Time.

Now it just so happens that today is not quite the day for Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection. Her Majesty’s Marmoset Nipple Inspectors, however, are all poised and ready to begin investigation into any dubious claim they suspect of attempting to defraud the government of its statutory right to know the exact number of marmosetContinue reading “Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection Time.”

Terrorist Leader Releases Audio Tape

In a Audio tape released to the Al-Jolsona media network yesterday, Old-Sam Binge-Drinka, the self-proclaimed ‘leader’ of the so-called Uttabollux ‘terrorist network’ Al-Ka-Hollix directly addressed the leaders of the West, proclaiming ‘Come on then! I’ll have the lot of you!’ to all the leaders of the Western nations. [Old-Sam Binge-Drinka] In a poor-quality audio tapeContinue reading “Terrorist Leader Releases Audio Tape”

Halting the Terrorist Threat In The UK

Over the last few years, the world has grown wearingly familiar with some fundamentalist Uttabolluxers who promote the use of terrorism in order to bring about a world united in Uttabollux, where everyone worships the one true Skhighhibhoss and his prophet, Nhigel (May His Plums Dangle Mightily). These terrorists, known as the Al-Ka-Hollix, led byContinue reading “Halting the Terrorist Threat In The UK”

FBI Issues New Digital Images Of Terrorist Leader

The FBI in America has issued fresh digitally-enhanced photographs of Osama Bin laden in an attempt to discover his current whereabouts . The new photograph shows the terrorist leader with wavy grey and black hair, wearing western clothes and without his trade mark ‘naughty foreign-person’ beard.   The terrorist leader who blames America for allContinue reading “FBI Issues New Digital Images Of Terrorist Leader”

UK Government To Introduce Body Scanners

The UK government announced yesterday that it will introduce full-body scanners at every polling station in the country in time for the forthcoming election. A spokesman for the government commented: There is a very serious danger that in the upcoming election our country’s polling booths could by attack by terrorist voters from the Al-Conservative andContinue reading “UK Government To Introduce Body Scanners”

Call For Sensible Levels Of ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad’

Over the Christmas break there were calls by The Amalgamated Union of Comedians, Humorists and Satirists for a ‘return to sensible levels of ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad’ after a council announced a ban on a bingo caller saying things that some in the audience could find ‘offensive’. A spokeswoman for TAUCHS said: Obviously we don’tContinue reading “Call For Sensible Levels Of ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad’”

Smart Meter Scheme Expanded

In an extension to the utility smart metering system for gas and electricity, the UK government has announced that it is going to introduce smart meters for the many other things it wants to monitor, partly to bring the UK into line with several EU regulations and – mainly – because it thinks it canContinue reading “Smart Meter Scheme Expanded”

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