A Lady’s Guide to Fetishes

Ladies, if, at one breakfast time, the man you love – or you, at least, tolerate for the time being – slaps down a photograph of a uniformed policewoman licking an ice cream, and then begins to pleasure himself into your half-empty breakfast cereal dish, it doesn’t – necessarily mean you are co-habiting with aContinue reading “A Lady’s Guide to Fetishes”

The Encroaching Shadow of Another World

Paula wasn’t sure when she lost this world. It began slowly, almost imperceptibly. She saw shadows on the edge of her sight, like some bird flying across her peripheral vision. At first, in the beginning, she dismissed them and went on about her life as normal. Then, after a while, she noticed the shadows creepingContinue reading “The Encroaching Shadow of Another World”

Show Trial

By then she had it well in hand, so we will leave them to it. Give them some well-deserved privacy while they go about what must remain their private business. That is until the video is released onto the Internet. Then we can all safely download it into a password-protected folder before leaping on ourContinue reading “Show Trial”

The Full English

It was only to be expected really. After all, she had approached the kipper fillet from downwind – as all the text books suggest – so she wasn’t expecting me to be there, just behind the azalea with the pump-action porridge gun loaded and ready to fire. However, she had, by then got her handsContinue reading “The Full English”

He had Gone

He had gone. She sensed something as soon as she walked into the house: a hollowness, an emptiness; the absence of something, of a living person. As she dashed to room after room, she not only found him gone, but all his stuff had gone too. His CDs, DVDs and a handful of framed photosContinue reading “He had Gone”

Toast Aplenty

Now is not the time to stand aghast in your local dolphinarium, especially if you have been stunned into immobility by an interlocutor with all the perspicacity of a wiper blade and the intellect of an educationally-challenged daffodil bulb. For we may be about to enter upon a new age of wonderment and intellectual fulfilmentContinue reading “Toast Aplenty”

As Yellow as Tuesday

Think of a number. Interesting, aren’t they? ‘You may think that, but I couldn’t possibly wear that dress, not without a new integrated hamster. Even then, the thing that is not a thing is not a thing,’ she said, whilst holding the melon in what would – these days – be rather a provocative fashion.Continue reading “As Yellow as Tuesday”

Cheese Incident

In this place, we will find the things that are here. If you remember not to place your eggcups in the vicinity of the Stock Exchange, then you can rest assured in the knowledge that your marmalade will only go towards partial fulfilment of the next cheese incident in the manifesto. All of which withoutContinue reading “Cheese Incident”

I Have Seen the Future and it Tastes of Marmalade

The oscillations of my turbo-sexual donkey divination device are but of naught when put up against the stalagmites and stalactites of your indifference. Let me touch the more intimate parts of your erotically-supercharged wallaby with the very tip of my touching stick (suitably recalibrated for marsupials, of course) and I will never again question theContinue reading “I Have Seen the Future and it Tastes of Marmalade”

The Toast of the Gods

But still we had all those smaller pieces of the once-mighty toast of the gods, but we had no butter and very little marmalade. It had been a long and dangerous journey to the heart of a lost civilisation, which – as it is often the case with lost civilisations – was deep in theContinue reading “The Toast of the Gods”

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