Such Sad Grey Eyes

She had such sad grey eyes, deep and unfathomable. I could lie there in her small bed, just lost in those eyes as though deep on some journey far away from any land I had known before. ‘Where are you from?’ I asked her once. Ailene was silent for a while. ‘Far away,’ she saidContinue reading “Such Sad Grey Eyes”

The Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox

Dirigible Spankmybotty first came to the notice of the world with his General Theory of Sandwiches. Up until then physicists, mathematicians and anyone in need of a sandwich was confronted with the Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox first defined by Cantor. This paradox sets out the mathematical relationships between the various substances used as sandwich fillings. InContinue reading “The Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox”

The Heyday of Theoretical and Applied Naughtiness

Stalactite Velocipede became the UK’s leading professor of Theoretical and Applied Naughtiness back in the fully-bearded days of the late 1970s. Up until then, of course, there was little in the way of theoretical understanding of the best ways to go about being either rude or naughty. Most people up until then sort of madeContinue reading “The Heyday of Theoretical and Applied Naughtiness”

The Philosophy of Doing Bugger All

Runningback Kneetrembler is probably best known as the world’s leading philosopher of Doing Bugger All. Of course, as usual, the Ancient Greeks first developed the philosophical system of Doing Bugger All. The philosopher Sycthexraxesthophin developed the basic theories of General Arsing About when he came up with the idea of Doing Bugger All one dayContinue reading “The Philosophy of Doing Bugger All”

Evil Geniuses and Minion Recruitment

Turnpike Psychoweasel is the CEO of probably the World’s leading employment agency for evil genius minions and henchmen, although, it is – as Psychoweasel himself admits – a rather niche area. However, he does see room for growth in the field. He has grown the company from a small one-man operation that hired out bodyguardsContinue reading “Evil Geniuses and Minion Recruitment”

New at ABCtales: Britain’s Sports Personality of the Year

It was announced earlier today that the celebrity philosopher, Pensive Dropgoal, is to be the new Professor of Hot Beverage Studies at the University of Evesham. Of course, these days philosophy is a glamorous and highly paid profession. Devoted crowds of fans turn out in their hundreds of thousands, filling stadiums throughout the world, toContinue reading “New at ABCtales: Britain’s Sports Personality of the Year”

Offensively Outrageous

Of course, it goes without saying that whatever it is that people are deciding to be offended by today is probably not that important in the grand scheme of things. After all, being offended these days is probably the most popular participatory sport in the world, at least in the social media grumbleoshphere. After all,Continue reading “Offensively Outrageous”

All Our Dreams

Too many of those mornings were lost to rain. Jenny stood at the window, looking out each morning as though she was seeing portents in the falling rain. She would turn back to look at me, as I waited for her to come back to bed, as if the world outside were my fault. But,Continue reading “All Our Dreams”

Rights for Vegetables Now!

Pindrop Weaselpanties first came to public attention when he began espousing Human Rights for Vegetables. Not only did he believe that all living animals should have the same rights as humans in law, he also argued that it was the right of every plant too to stand for election. As he successfully argued in theContinue reading “Rights for Vegetables Now!”

Potatoes and Newtdisease’s Periodic Table of the Rude and Naughty

Plebiscite Newtdisease was – as is almost well-known in this country – one of the first early scientists to investigate the use of the potato in erotic encounters. Back then, the first proto-scientists were called natural philosophers. They were all interested in the many phenomena that had baffled and puzzled earlier generations. For Newtdisease, itContinue reading “Potatoes and Newtdisease’s Periodic Table of the Rude and Naughty”

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