Eroticism and the Intellectuals

Alabaster Kneetrembler first came to the attention of the general public in the late 1980s when the concept of fully-consensual mixed naked chin-stroking first became acceptable in polite society. It first started out amongst certain liberally-minded left-wing intellectuals as a reaction against wheat they saw as the rampant consumerism prevalent at the time, mixed withContinue reading “Eroticism and the Intellectuals”

Over the Border

How can we forget that smell? How could we ever go on to become fully-qualified professional Hamster Disconcerters knowing what we knew? Would we ever truly understand the chin of Jimmy Hill? But we were young and in love and we thought it would last forever, so such questions we left unanswered as we playedContinue reading “Over the Border”

Porn Industry Welcomes Harman Proposal

[Phwooaaah! – possibly….] The British porn industry last night broadly welcomed ‘Dirty Harry’ Harman’s latest bit of fruit-loopery… proposal that half of the shadow cabinet posts for the Labour party should be filled by women. As a spokeswoman for the porn industry simpered breathlessly: Obviously with such a significant number of the Labour party’s topContinue reading “Porn Industry Welcomes Harman Proposal”

A Great Victorian Engineer And Inventor

Chainlink Foottreddle was one of the great Victorian engineers and inventors who first shot to fame as the inventor of the Hand-Cranked Wanking Engine. It was market as: That invaluable aid for the solitary gentleman who finds himself without the aid of an upstairs maid, gentleman’s gentleman or common street trollop when in need ofContinue reading “A Great Victorian Engineer And Inventor”

How It Is With The String Thing

Sometimes there is not enough string. Sometimes there is all the string you need. That is how it is with the string thing. Sometimes you have a goat. Sometimes that goat is called Nigel. Often though, people don’t seem to think that Nigel is a good name for a goat. That is the way itContinue reading “How It Is With The String Thing”

Amateur Wins TV Contest

After a tense final, live on TV, Quick-Juan Ristoff an amateur from Luton, won the coveted MasterBate 2010 title, with one of the judges Hugh Sless-Tosser, claiming, ’wanking doesn’t get much better than this!’ Both judges, Hugh Sless-Tosser, and celebrity wanker Ivor Biggun, both singled out Quick-Juan Ristoff’s cum face as ‘like a slow-motion filmContinue reading “Amateur Wins TV Contest”

The First Oscillator of Spring

It was the First Oscillator of Spring. I held my breath, dropped it and picked it up again. I wiped the mud off it and bundled it up in an old plastic bag for Later. Later came through the trees and out into the clearing. “You’re late, Later,” I said. “You think you are soContinue reading “The First Oscillator of Spring”

Man Regains Ability To Hit Little Balls With A Stick

Some bloke who became quite well-known around the world for being quite good at hitting little balls with a stick, has now – it seems – gone back to hitting the little balls with a stick again. Apparently, when it was discovered that the man liked to have sex with lots of women – mostContinue reading “Man Regains Ability To Hit Little Balls With A Stick”

Fundamental Particle Experiments To Take Place Today

It has been announced that the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland will today attempt to smash beams of protons together at massive energies. However, just down the road a bit, at the European Large Hardon Collider they are also about to start investigations in search of another fundamental physical particle predicted by theoreticalContinue reading “Fundamental Particle Experiments To Take Place Today”

Intelligent Men ‘More Monogamous’ Claim

Researchers at a British university have discovered a way of convincing their partners that intelligent men – such as them – are more likely to remain monogamous. However, despite extensive research they have yet to discover what their womenfolk are getting up to, as none of them are brave enough to ask. As the headContinue reading “Intelligent Men ‘More Monogamous’ Claim”

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