Observing Creatures In The Wild

Now, as we approach the hides I want you to be as quiet and discreet as possible. This means if you have mobile, phones or pagers please turn them off, and any intimate massaging devices you may have about your person, please switch those off too, as these creatures can sniff out an immanent orgasmContinue reading “Observing Creatures In The Wild”

Nature Watch

We sit, here – as still as possible – in a hide cunningly disguised as an ordinary car, parked here on the edge of a normal suburban supermarket car park. Ensconced here we can watch the majestic herds of shopping trolleys as they live out their lives free – at last – from human interference.Continue reading “Nature Watch”

Endangered Species Conservation Plans

Following confirmation that a scheme has been set up in Wales to attempt to preserve red squirrels, a similar scheme has been announced in an attempt to preserve what will remain of the UK Labour party after the forthcoming election. Plans have been put forward to set out a special Labour Party sanctuary somewhere deepContinue reading “Endangered Species Conservation Plans”

Non-Consensual Intimate Contact With A Small Hovercraft

Look out! There is a serious danger of individual hovercraft infesting your vestibule sometime over the next few days. It is – as we know- unusual for such an occurrence this early in the New Year. Some have blamed the world economic downturn and others have blamed climate change, whilst the more perspicacious amongst usContinue reading “Non-Consensual Intimate Contact With A Small Hovercraft”

The Current Climate of Fear ©

Once again, there are reports in the media of goats from foreign parts finding their way into our traditional British Transport Cafes. Normally, of course, this would not matter too much, but these – as you know – are not normal times. The government, the security services and the media have spent a great dealContinue reading “The Current Climate of Fear ©”

Weasel Defusing

STOP! Now – very carefully – and as calmly as possible, take seventeen and a half steps back. Slowly! Don’t do anything that is going to upset the weasel. Don’t make any sudden movements, noises or display any Introduction To Calculus text books, you may have about your person, to the weasel. You must –Continue reading “Weasel Defusing”

Alternative Energy Sources

As you well know, the theoretical critical mass to start a chain reaction in a fully-rice-and-treacle-primed weasel horde is 27, which is just what we have here in this cage. According to theory, the weasel horde reaction should be self-sustaining, providing easily enough electricity – once plugged into the national electricity grid – to rechargeContinue reading “Alternative Energy Sources”

Badgers and TB

According to sources at the government’s Department for Ignoring Rural Affairs, the number of badgers infected with TB (Tony Blair disease) has increased significantly over the last few years, even though the Prime Badger known to be infected with the disease was supposedly eradicated from the UK a few years ago. Recently, vets had toContinue reading “Badgers and TB”

Government Training Scheme Was ‘Mismanaged’

A government scheme intended to train members of parliament in basic human competence was branded a complete failure last night, when it was revealed that it had only managed to train MPs to fill out their expense claims and nothing else. The scheme was intended to train MPs, so that they – at least –Continue reading “Government Training Scheme Was ‘Mismanaged’”

The Ocean-Going Goat-Powered Cheeseboard

Encumbrance Stoatdisorder became famous as the first woman to circumnavigate the globe using a single-handed goat-powered cheeseboard. Of course, the sheer pointlessness of anyone attempting such an ‘adventure’ in this day and age, when global travel is such a commonplace affair, was overlooked in the media’s headlong rush to find something outside its usual mundanitiesContinue reading “The Ocean-Going Goat-Powered Cheeseboard”

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