Un-Mollified Small Mammal Awareness

These days it is not that often we have to call out the 24-hour mobile Small Mammal Mollifiers with their pre-saturated transverse small mammal mollifying devices, even in the wild untamed jungle of the public transport system, except – of course – on Tuesdays during the first month after the Christmas holidays. Nowadays, with suchContinue reading “Un-Mollified Small Mammal Awareness”

Serving Suggestion

Well, think of a number. Done that? Good. Now forget it again. Instigate an inquiry into seven apricots. Think of an aardvark. Colour it purple and call it Nigel. Venerate your spatula. Now, once you have all the ingredients in the bowl, mix them well and then leave to marinate in a cool place –Continue reading “Serving Suggestion”

Wild Fowl With An Integral Sound System

Back when we early-adapters first applied audio devices to our hand-cranked semi-marmaladed swans people thought us a bit… shall we say eccentric? Yes, let’s say that. Nowadays, of course, it is almost impossible to purchase any form of wild fowl without an integral sound system, some with room for a playlist of several thousand songsContinue reading “Wild Fowl With An Integral Sound System”

Russian Plan To Destroy Asteroid Condemned

The head of the Russian space agency has announced plans to destroy an asteroid seemingly on a collision course with the Earth, claiming such a collision could claim many thousands of lives. However, a spokeswoman for HETA (Humans for the Ethical Treatment of Asteroids), Gully Usefulidiot, strongly condemned the move, claiming it would be aContinue reading “Russian Plan To Destroy Asteroid Condemned”

Over-Clocking Your Electro-Weasels

Well, there you go. I suppose if it wasn’t for Alberta Flange’s intervention*, we would never have realised that our electro-weasels were slightly out of phase. It takes a practiced eye, I suppose, to pick up on that sort of thing. So, now, after her recommended slight adjustments, our electro-weasels are running between 80 toContinue reading “Over-Clocking Your Electro-Weasels”

How To Stalk Wild Animals

No jungle-camouflaged gear from the bobble-hat down to your novelty SAS-style socks is of any real use out in the field. Really the only sensible option is the tartan jockstrap, motor-driven rotating silver tinsel nipple-tassels and day-glo wellies. Any animal you attempt to stalk in such a get-up will be too embarrassed to give youContinue reading “How To Stalk Wild Animals”

Wildlife On The High Street

As the old Music Hall song has it, ‘Don’t put your okapi in the chemist shop, Mrs Cheesewire’, splendid advice, I’m sure we would all agree. For, if there is one place where such creatures of the wild should – ideally – not be, that is in any high street emporium selling items of aContinue reading “Wildlife On The High Street”

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