The world’s most famous film star, Pumpkin Dropincentre, was yesterday announced as the face of a brand new charity. This new charity has been set up to help counter what has become one of the most serious problems of the modern age.
As Dropincentre herself said at the launch of the new charity, ‘for far too long now the henchmen and minions of the world’s greatest villains have been cruelly slaughtered – sometimes in their hundreds – by the heroes and superheroes in films. Not a thought has been given to those women left widowed, and those children left orphaned by the callous actions of movie heroes. HenchAid will – we hope – put a stop to that.’
Recent research sponsored by Dropincentre herself on behalf the charity has revealed that in last year’s new releases alone over 673 henchmen were slaughtered by the stars in those films, with one James Bond remake and the latest Star Wars release accounting for over 73% of those deaths. Most of those killed, as Dropincentre herself pointed out in her launch day speech, left wives and children – most without any support. As the charity’s own publicity points out, it is very hard for henchmen and minions to get health insurance, and as many of them work in unusual environments like secret island headquarters or on Death Stars and other such off-world sites, where national health services and insurance schemes do not cover them. So, should those minions and henchmen be wiped out by the forces of good, very few of them have taken out any cover against such an eventuality.
There was some talk at a recent UN assembly that the action heroes of the films should themselves establish some kind of fund to compensate those left without a breadwinner by their actions. However, the resolution was voted down by those countries with a large film industry, such as the USA and India. They felt that to pick on the action heroes would send ‘the wrong message’ to moviegoers. Many thought it would impose an unfair burden on film stars who had to struggle by on a mere few million dollars for each film they star in.
Dropincentre herself said that the charity would not only pay significant sums to the families of those lost in action in action films, it would also set up a fund to pay for the training of those family members wishing to follow in the footsteps – however numbered – of their once breadwinner. ‘In this day and age,’ Pumpkin said, wiping a tear form her eye, ‘it is sexist to presume that all henchpersons and minions are male. So we are setting up a training school where the wives and other partners of lost henchpersons can themselves train to become a henchperson or minion. The arch villains and evil geniuses themselves have promised to set up scholarships and training schemes for any family members of henchpeople lost in action to train as replacements. However, so far we have yet to secure funding for a set of courses intended to help improve the aim of trainee henchmen. So we are begging the general public – many of whom have born witness to the senseless slaughter of henchvillians – to give all they can to improve the aim of these tireless fighters for outright villainy. We ask in the hope that one day in the future not so many will be slaughtered as they go about their thankless tasks merely to keep their families with a roof over their heads. Thank you, please give generously.’